On Friendship

It seems to me that we all have something to offer up for other's appreciation. As has been said, 'an apple tree apples'. But the quality of the apple, its size, its flavor, shape are all dependent on how well the apple tree was nurtured in the orchard. So the farmer is a the apple tree, and the apple's friend in the sense that he brings out the best in the apple tree.

So my first thought in a friend is that he or she brings out the best in you. By this I do not mean good behavior - but whatever is inside you that is unique; that is able to come out in full splendor due to a good friend. If that is my overall thesis - a friend brings out the best in you - the following are the attributes of the friendship that lets this happen.

I. Sounding Board

You know that you can pour your heart out to your true friend and your trouble and your tragedies and triumphs and your insecurities. And the friend listens to you - and may not say anything back and best of all does not think of you higher or lower because of what you have shared. The very act of listening is powerful and that is the first act of friendship.

II. Trust
The act of sharing your intimate thoughts is an act of trust. An untold compact that those thoughts will not be shared with anyone else even other good friends. However, if the conversation starts with 'pls don't share with anyone else, but I have something to tell you....' then two things are true: i) the fact that you had to say so indicates a lack of confidence in the friendship and ii) it will be shared!

III. Confidence

This is the strangest fact of friendship. No matter what the facts are - poor grades, bad behavior, social scorn, fame, infamy, enviable scholastic achievement - it does not matter what the facts of your own achievement or inachievement are. Your true friend always has the confidence that the world does not truly know you as much as your friend does - and thus will always encourage you to take the next step forward - and your friend has the utmost confidence that you will succeed.

Here is a crucial difference between a friend and a parent. A parent could fall into an anxiety trap. A friend never will! It is the rare parent that can be a friend - but that translation is tenuous at best.

IV. Baseline

When a friend says 'how are you?" - that carries such import - more than anyone else, because the true friend has the baseline of your personality. Everything is in comparison to the true-baseline not an artificial construct in time

V. One continuous conversation

With a true friend you have one continuous conversation. It does not matter that you have not actually spoken in a while or that you have different professional careers or wealth or that your families don't know each other or that you live on different continents. If you picked up the phone and talked to your friend, you are continuing the conversation where you left off. And the most amazing thing is that you are not living in the past and recalling memories (which both of you would tire of) - but it is a fresh set of topics - but the same conversation!

There are other fine thoughts such as a friend in need is a friend indeed and so on. But in my experience and judgment friendship is built on the foundation of trust, knowledge and confidence.